Since Mr C came into our lives he has brought with him warmth, strength and security. He’s pretty great.
There are attributes in this man that are downright insufferable. I’m fast learning that these are hardships I simply must bear. And as it’s Mr C’s birthday today, I thought what better way to celebrate him than to share them with you all. I know, he’s like the luckiest man alive.
Husband hardship #1: His distaste for food cooked properly.
This man is seriously pernickety over food that may or may not have been cooking for slightly longer than it should have. If it were up to me all meals would have a mouth wateringly
black golden hue to it. He just can’t see it. Not only would Mr C happily eat his bacon while its’ still snorting but it actually grieves him to see me eat it how God intended it to be. I’m working on educating him. I’ll persevere, but between you and me, I think he’s a lost cause. I mean, he just point blank refused this toast that I made for him with love…
I understand that a lot of men were born with a physiological incapability to remain in a clothing shop for more than three minutes. Mr C has a severe case of this disorder. 2 and a half minutes and the shakes start. I don’t judge him. I pity the poor soul. Again, I’ve tried… But the enthusiasm for bobble hats is either in you or it’s not.
Husband Hardship #3: He stole my rabbit’s affection.
Right from underneath my nose. One day I was everything to that little bunny and the next it was Mrs who. Jasper will do little circles of love (yep, it’s a thing) around Mr C, he’ll lick Mr C’s hands and if there was a leg going free Jasper would have a good go and making a baby Jasper with Mr C’s shin.
Yes, that’s right. They’ll even nap together.
I think scientists should do some serious research on whatever Mr C is radiating into the air, because it doesn’t stop with the rabbit. Oh no. Mr is C is Yorkshire’s answer to Dr Dolittle. Even my parent’s dog has changed allegiance. Traitor.
To be fair, if I was a dog, I’d probably favour someone who would get into the boot with me and dry me off after a swim in the river.
Husband Hardship #4: He raises to bar for flatulence etiquette.
Mr C won’t just relieve himself wherever and whenever he chooses. I know, I know, a rarity in the male species. At first I thought ‘aha! Lucky me! I’ve got myself a man with manners’. What I didn’t think through, in those early days, was that I too would need to follow suit and maintain this standard. Which means I have about year and a half of trapped wind inside me. Stick a needle in my tummy and I’d pop.
Husband Hardship #5: The Major one… He has spies.
He must do. Because he has infiltrated the woman’s psyche. He knows all about…The hug. You know, the one we need rather than having 50 million solutions fired at us? The one that calms us down when we don’t want the answer, we just want them to understand? Well. He knows. I swear it wasn’t me that told him. Someone must have because, come on, men don’t just have mind-blowing revelations like this by themselves. This may sound like a good thing you might say. Why shouldn’t all men be told you might say. But this knowledge comes with great responsibility, a responsibility too great for many men to carry. The knowledge of the hug is a secret superpower only to be used wisely and most crucially at the right time. And here’s my hardship – He uses it every time I need to be calmed down. I mean, what’s that all about?? Even when I want to be angry. Even when I want to have a good rant and let it all out. It’s ridiculously unfair to calm and soothe a woman when she needs to rage. I won’t lie, I have been known to run around the house with Mr C in my wake, to escape to those pacifying embraces until I was good and ready to be pacified. He just doesn’t see the obvious logic in this.
I know I don’t know how I cope either. But despite these hardships, I think I quite like him.
Happy Birthday Mr C!
Mrs C x
Disclaimer: This post was written in jest. I am not truly complaining that Mr C won’t eat blackened toast and hugs me a lot. And fact; he wears two, yes TWO different woolly hats in the winter. Though neither have pom poms on. I know when a battle is lost